woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
