This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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