Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
