look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
