The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
