You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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