did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
