when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
