I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
