you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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