Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
