i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
