he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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