The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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