ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
