In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
