we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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