I am spending my child support on dildos
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Randomize
