Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
