Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
