I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
