i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
