Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
