Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Someone came in the potted fern
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
