she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
