Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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