bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
