Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
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