he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
