I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
