I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
