I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
