Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
