i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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