When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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