Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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