guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
