he puts the penis in happiness.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
