I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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