I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
