my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
