The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
