did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
