I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Randomize
