Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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