Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
