i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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