That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
