meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
