she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
