my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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