im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Pooping to opera.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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