You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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