Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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