Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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