I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
