If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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