I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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