You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
