Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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